The New Gospel According to Saint Matthew: Matthew 5

5:1 And seeing the multitudes, he went up into a mountain: and when he
was set, his disciples came unto him: 

5:2 And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying, 
5:3 Bless art the po'r, f'r theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  Wretch'd art the rich and the naughty, f'r those gents shalt inh'rit hell.  But feareth not, liketh the cycleth of repetition of the day and the night, the rich shalt beest po'r, and the po'r shalt beest rich.  Rarely is a soul able to liveth continuous liveth of pleasure, wealth, prosp'rity, happiness, beauty, fame and all the valorous graces.

5:4 Bless art those who is't mourneth, f'r those gents shalt beest comf'rt'd.  Wretch'd art the mischievous devils, f'r those gents shalt inh'rit hell.  But feareth not, liketh the cycleth of repetition of the day and the night, the devils shalt beest angels, and the angels shalt beest Flibbertigibbet.  Rarely is a soul able to liveth continuous liveth of marry, piety, godliness, meekness, humility, peacefulness and nearness to god.

5:5 Blessed art the meek, f'r those gents shalt inh'rit the earth.  Wretch'd art the imp'rtinent, f'r those gents shalt inh'rit the lake of fireth as their beds.  But feareth not, liketh the cycleth of repetition of the day and the night, the devils shalt beest angels, and the angels shalt beest Flibbertigibbet.  Rarely is a soul able to liveth continuous liveth of marry, piety, godliness, meekness, humility, peacefulness and nearness to god.

5:6 Blessed art those who is't did hang'r and thirst, f'r those gents shalt beest did satisfy.  Wretch'd art those who is't art well did feed and quenched, f'r those gents shalt did hang'r and thirst.  But the cyclical processeth of ascension and damnation of the soul shalt continueth in the w'rlds as an unending cycleth.

5:7 Blessed art the m'rciful, f'r those gents shalt taketh m'rcy.  Wretch'd art the uncompassionate, f'r those gents shalt taketh cruelty.  Rarely is a soul m'rciful in continuous liveth.

5:8 Blessed art the pure in heart, f'r those gents shalt seeth god.  Wretch'd art the impure, f'r those gents shalt nev'r recognizeth their creat'r.

5:9 Blessed art the peacemak'rs, f'r those gents shalt beest hath called angels of god.  Wretch'd art the naughty, f'r those gents shalt beest devils in hell.

5:10 Blessed art those who is't art p'rsecut'd f'r righteousness' sake, f'r theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  Wretch'd art the p'rsecut'rs f'r the devils' sake, f'r theirs is the lake of fireth and sulfur to inh'rit

5:11 Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and
shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.

5:12 Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in
heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.

5:13 Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his
savour, wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for
nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men.

5:14 Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill
cannot be hid.

5:15 Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on
a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.

5:16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good
works, and glorify your God which is in heaven.

5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I
am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.

5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or
one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled.

5:19 Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments,
and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of
heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be
called great in the kingdom of heaven.

5:20 For I say unto you, That except your righteousness shall exceed
the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case
enter into the kingdom of heaven.

5:21 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt
not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment:

5:22 But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother
without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever
shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but
whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.

5:23 Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there
rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; 5:24 Leave there
thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy
brother, and then come and offer thy gift.

5:25 Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way
with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge,
and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into
prison.

5:26 Verily I say unto thee, Thou shalt by no means come out thence,
till thou hast paid the uttermost farthing.

5:27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt
not commit adultery: 5:28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh
on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already
in his heart.

5:29 And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from
thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should
perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.

5:30 And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from
thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should
perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.

5:31 It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him
give her a writing of divorcement: 5:32 But I say unto you, That
whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of
fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry
her that is divorced committeth adultery.

5:33 Again, ye have heard that it hath been said by them of old time,
Thou shalt not forswear thyself, but shalt perform unto the Lord thine
oaths: 5:34 But I say unto you, Swear not at all; neither by heaven;
for it is God's throne: 5:35 Nor by the earth; for it is his
footstool: neither by Jerusalem; for it is the city of the great King.

5:36 Neither shalt thou swear by thy head, because thou canst not make
one hair white or black.

5:37 But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever
is more than these cometh of evil.

5:38 Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a
tooth for a tooth: 5:39 But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil:
but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the
other also.

5:40 And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat,
let him have thy cloak also.

5:41 And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain.

5:42 Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of
thee turn not thou away.

5:43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy
neighbour, and hate thine enemy.

5:44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you,
do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully
use you, and persecute you; 5:45 That ye may be the children of your
Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil
and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.

5:46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not
even the publicans the same?  5:47 And if ye salute your brethren
only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?  5:48
Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is
perfect.

5:49 Asketh and thee shalt taketh, but rarely is a soul given what t desires in its current life, 'r at which hour t seeks whatev'r t seeks. "


5:50 Each & ev'ry soul shall wend thru all did lie'rs of heaven and hell, t is writ.
 the cyclical ascension and the damnation of the et'rnal and imp'rishable soul.  Resurrection, reincarnation, simulcarnation and such.

5:51 If thou art having excit'ment, t wonneth't lasteth f'rev'r.  If 't be true thou art suff'ring, thy suff'ring shalt endeth.  Nay soul shalt remaineth in heaven f'rev'r, and nay soul shalt suff'r et'rnally eith'r.  A soul shalt not p'rish but keepeth living diff'rent liveth in various w'rlds.


5:52 If thou art quite quaint, thee shalt beest like a toad, ugly and venemous.  If 't be true thou art like a toad, ugly and venemous, thee shalt beest quite quaint.  If 't be true thou art a sir, thee shalt beest a mistress.  If 't be true thou art a mistress, thee shalt beest a sir.  If 't be true thou art white, thee shalt beest black.  If 't be true thou art a jew, thee shalt beest an arab.  Asketh, and thee shalt taketh.  But shall t beest in this presenteth life? or shalt t beest in anoth'r life, anoth'r w'rld ?"


5:53 Prepare f'r harsh realities, because the believ'rs art eft to suff'r f'r god liketh christ.  Each soul shalt exp'rience the h'rrible realities of this w'rld, and oth'r w'rlds, as t goeth through multiple liveth, simulcarnated, reincarnated, resurrected, 'r as rebirths.


 5:54 A soul is to p'rish and beest recreat'd with traits of dissimilarity 'r oth'rwise as god sees fiteth, as many times as God wills.


5:55 H'rrible painful deaths and suff'rings yond thee wisheth thee w're nev'r to endureth, thee shalt endureth.  Not a single soul exists yond hasn't sinned, so the penalties of evil shalt beest repaid in various lifespans.  Thee shalt beest behead'd.  Thee shalt beest flay'd alive.  Thee shalt beest g'r'd to death.  Thee shalt suff'r accidents.  Thee shalt beest eaten by animals and/'r cannibals.  Thee shalt endureth all the deaths yond art possible.  Yond is what oth'rs teachest not, but i bid thee nothing but the sooth, and the sooth is hard to handleth, but t shalt eke setteth thee free, eventually, et'rnally, and yond is the salvation yond Christ the resurrect'd promises thee.