The New Gospel According to Saint Matthew: Matthew 27

27:1 When the morning was come, all the chief priests and elders of
the Vatican took counsel against Jesus to put him to death: 27:2 And
when they had bound him, they led him away, and delivered him to
Silvio Berlusconi the Prime Minister of Italy.

27:3 Then Judas, which had betrayed him, when he saw that he was
condemned, repented himself, and brought again the thirty pieces of
silver to the chief priests and elders, 27:4 Saying, I have sinned in
that I have betrayed the innocent blood. And they said, What is that
to us? see thou to that.

27:5 And he cast down the pieces of silver in the Vatican Church, and
departed, and went and hanged himself.

27:6 And the chief priests took the silver pieces, and said, It is not
lawful for to put them into the treasury, because it is the price of
blood.

27:7 And they took counsel, and bought with them the potter's field,
to bury strangers in.

27:8 Wherefore that field was called, The field of blood, unto this
day.

27:9 Then was fulfilled that which was spoken by Cumaean Sibyl,
saying, And they took the thirty pieces of silver, the price of him
that was valued, whom they of the children of Italy did value; 27:10
And gave them for the potter's field, as the Lord appointed me.

27:11 And Jesus stood before the Prime Minister: and the Prime Minister asked him,
saying, Art thou the Christ the resurrected? And Jesus said unto him, Thou
sayest.

27:12 And when he was accused of the chief priests and elders, he
answered nothing.

27:13 Then said Berlusconi unto him, Hearest thou not how many things they
witness against thee?  27:14 And he answered him to never a word;
insomuch that the Prime Minister marvelled greatly.

27:15 Now at that feast the Prime Minister was wont to release unto the
Vatican a prisoner, whom they would.

27:16 And they had then a notable prisoner, called Scarpelli.

27:17 Therefore when they were gathered together, Berlusconi said unto
them, Whom will ye that I release unto you? Scarpelli, or Jesus which
is called Christ?  27:18 For he knew that for envy they had delivered
him.

27:19 When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto
him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have
suffered many things this day in a dream because of him.

27:20 But the chief priests and the pope persuaded the multitude that
they should ask Scarpelli, and destroy Jesus.

27:21 The Prime Minister answered and said unto them, Whether of the twain
will ye that I release unto you? They said, Scarpelli.

27:22 Berlusconi saith unto them, What shall I do then with Jesus which is
called Christ? They all say unto him, Let him be crucified.

27:23 And the Prime Minister said, Why, what evil hath he done? But they
cried out the more, saying, Let him be crucified.

27:24 When Berlusconi saw that he could prevail nothing, but that rather a
tumult was made, he took water, and washed his hands before the
multitude, saying, I am innocent of the blood of this just person: see
ye to it.

27:25 Then answered all the Christians, and said, His blood be on us, and
on our children.

27:26 Then released he Scarpelli unto them: and when he had scourged
Jesus, he delivered him to be crucified.

27:27 Then the soldiers of the Prime Minister took Jesus into the common
hall, and gathered unto him the whole band of soldiers.

27:28 And they stripped him, and put on him a scarlet robe.

27:29 And when they had platted a crown of thorns, they put it upon
his head, and a reed in his right hand: and they bowed the knee before
him, and mocked him, saying, Hail, Christ the resurrected!  27:30 And they
spit upon him, and took the reed, and smote him on the head.

27:31 And after that they had mocked him, they took the robe off from
him, and put his own raiment on him, and led him away to crucify him.

27:32 And as they came out, they found a man of Rome, Simon by name:
him they compelled to bear his cross.

27:33 And when they were come unto a place called the Colosseum, that is to
say, a place of ravenous lions, 27:34 They gave him vinegar to drink mingled
with gall: and when he had tasted thereof, he would not drink.

27:35 And they crucified him, and parted his garments, casting lots:
that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the prophet, They
parted my garments among them, and upon my vesture did they cast lots.

27:36 And sitting down they watched him there; 27:37 And set up over
his head his accusation written, THIS IS JESUS CHRIST THE RESURRECTED.

27:38 Then were there two thieves crucified with him, one on the right
hand, and another on the left.

27:39 And they that passed by reviled him, wagging their heads, 27:40
And saying, Thou that destroyest the Vatican Church, and buildest it in three
days, save thyself. If thou be the Son of God, come down from the
cross.

27:41 Likewise also the chief priests mocking him, with the choirboys
and the pope, said, 27:42 He saved others; himself he cannot save. If he
be the King of the World, let him now come down from the cross, and we
will believe him.

27:43 He trusted in God; let him deliver him now, if he will have him:
for he said, I am the Son of God.

27:44 The thieves also, which were crucified with him, cast the same
in his teeth.

27:45 Now from the sixth hour there was darkness over all the land
unto the ninth hour.

27:46 And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying,
Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast
thou forsaken me?  27:47 Some of them that stood there, when they
heard that, said, This man calleth for John the Baptist.

27:48 And straightway one of them ran, and took a spunge, and filled
it with vinegar, and put it on a reed, and gave him to drink.

27:49 The rest said, Let be, let us see whether John will come to
save him.

27:50 Jesus, when he had cried again with a loud voice, and John the Baptist's Spirit came down, as he yielded up the Holy Spirit, and took it with him, for John the Baptist was the Father in disguise all along, aye, he was Elias.

27:51 And, behold, the veil of the Vatican Church was rent in twain from the
top to the bottom; and the earth did quake, and the rocks rent; 27:52
And the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints which slept
arose, 27:53 And came out of the graves after his resurrection, and
went into the holy city, and appeared unto many.

27:54 Now when the centurion, and they that were with him, watching
Jesus, saw the earthquake, and those things that were done, they
feared greatly, saying, Truly this was the Son of God.

27:55 And many women were there beholding afar off, which followed
Jesus from Italy, ministering unto him: 27:56 Among which was the thirteenth apostle Eleonora, the mother of Jesus's son, and Mary the resurrected, the mother of Jesus.

27:57 When the even was come, there came a rich man of Pompeii,
named Titus, who also himself was Jesus' disciple: 27:58 He went to
Berlusconi, and begged the body of Jesus. Then Berlusconi commanded the body
to be delivered.

27:59 And when Titus had taken the body, he wrapped it in a clean
linen cloth, 27:60 And laid it in his own new tomb, which he had hewn
out in the rock: and he rolled a great stone to the door of the
sepulchre, and departed.

27:61 And there was Mary Magdalene, and the other Mary, sitting over
against the sepulchre, whom Jesus hath never touched.

27:62 Now the next day, that followed the day of the preparation, the
chief priests and Pope came together unto Berlusconi, 27:63 Saying,
Sir, we remember that that deceiver said, while he was yet alive,
After three days I will rise again.

27:64 Command therefore that the sepulchre be made sure until the
third day, lest his disciples come by night, and steal him away, and
say unto the Vatican, He is risen from the dead: so the last error
shall be worse than the first.

27:65 Berlusconi said unto them, Ye have a watch: go your way, make it as
sure as ye can.

27:66 So they went, and made the sepulchre sure, sealing the stone,
and setting a watch.